Can You Love Someone Correctly When You've Never Seen Healthy Love?

Learning what healthy love looks like

Growing up, nobody hands you a book explaining how to love somebody correctly. Most of us learn by watching.

We watch how our parents communicate, how people handle disagreements, how affection is shown, and how forgiveness works. Whether we realize it or not, those experiences follow us into adulthood.

But what happens when some of the things you witnessed growing up weren't the examples of love you wanted for yourself?

Sometimes, the absence of healthy love becomes the very thing that teaches us what we want love to look like.

When love is present, but understanding is missing

I grew up watching my mother do the best she could to love, nurture, and provide for her children. As I've gotten older, I've come to understand that sometimes people are trying to give you something they were never properly taught how to give.

My mother was raising a young man while navigating challenges of her own. There were moments of frustration and emotion. But looking back, I recognize that she was doing her best with the tools she had.

That doesn't mean every experience was easy to understand as a child. You can appreciate somebody's efforts while still acknowledging the things you needed and didn't receive. Sometimes, those experiences teach you what you want to do differently.

Sometimes love shows up through other people

As I got older, I started seeing different examples of love. People like Mr. Jeff, Ms. Jana, and Mr. Troy helped me understand things I couldn't always put into words growing up.

I witnessed people making time for one another, families showing up for each other, and vulnerability that wasn't something to be embarrassed about. It wasn't that every family had everything figured out. It was seeing the effort, patience, consistency, and willingness to be present.

Sometimes somebody taking the time to care about you can change your entire understanding of what love is supposed to feel like. Those experiences made a difference in my life.

You can't give what you're still learning to understand

There have been moments when I've looked back at relationships and realized I didn't fully understand how to love somebody the way they needed. Not because I didn't care, but because I was still trying to understand myself.

I was attempting to live up to ideas about relationships, traditions, and love that I had never consistently experienced firsthand. Some ideas came from movies, some from watching other people, and some from what I thought a man was supposed to be.

Knowing what love looks like from the outside isn't the same as knowing how to practice it. I had to learn that loving somebody else couldn't come at the expense of understanding and loving myself.

Do I regret every relationship that didn't work out? Not necessarily. There are lessons in those experiences. But growth sometimes comes with the painful realization that you could have handled things differently.

You can care about somebody deeply and still have some growing to do.

When protecting your heart becomes a prison

When you've been hurt repeatedly, you start building walls. At first, those walls feel like protection. You tell yourself nobody will ever have the opportunity to hurt you that way again.

But what happens when you build those walls so high that nobody can get in? You may be keeping pain out, but you might also be keeping love out.

I think both men and women struggle with this. We become afraid of repeating experiences that left us questioning our worth or whether opening up is worth the risk. So we distance ourselves, avoid difficult conversations, and convince ourselves we're better off alone.

Avoiding the possibility of pain doesn't automatically heal the pain you've already experienced. Sometimes, the past is still influencing your decisions even when you're doing everything you can to leave it behind.

Healthy boundaries matter. Nobody should tolerate disrespect just to prove they can love. But there's a difference between protecting your peace and refusing to let anybody close enough to know you.

A boundary should protect your well-being, not prevent you from experiencing connection altogether.

Love is supposed to have gentleness in it

One thing I'm learning is that I have to be gentle with myself when it comes to love. That doesn't mean excusing my mistakes. It means understanding that I'm still learning.

I deserve patience, respect, honesty, and care. But so does the person standing across from me. Love is a two-way street.

It requires more than wanting somebody in your life. It requires learning how to communicate, listen, take accountability, and show up when things aren't easy. Sometimes, two people genuinely care about each other without being ready or able to build something healthy together.

Not everybody who comes into your life will love you the way you need. You won't always get everything right either. But that doesn't mean you should stop learning.

Read. Have conversations. Meet people who challenge your perspective. Pay attention to healthy relationships around you. Listen to other people's experiences. Most importantly, take time to figure out what love means to you, not just what you've seen on television.

Don't let what you experienced become all you believe is possible

Maybe you didn't grow up seeing healthy communication. Maybe affection was inconsistent. Maybe you learned to keep your feelings to yourself because being vulnerable didn't always feel safe.

Or maybe you've lost somebody you cared about because neither of you knew how to love the other person in a healthy way. That doesn't mean your story has to end there.

You can learn. You can unlearn. You can become more intentional. You can recognize the things that hurt you without allowing them to determine how you treat everybody who comes into your life.

One of the hardest parts of growing is realizing that some lessons arrive after we've already lost people who mattered to us. But those lessons can still change how we love the people who come next.

Be gentle with yourself. Be accountable for your actions. And don't become so afraid of experiencing the wrong kind of love that you close yourself off from the possibility of something healthy.

You deserve to be loved correctly. And the people you love deserve your willingness to keep learning, too.

Pain is the Fuel, Freedom is the Goal. — Fueled By Pain Worldwide

A Question for the FBP Family

What's one thing you had to unlearn about love before you could begin loving someone in a healthier way?

Was it learning how to communicate? Trusting people? Setting boundaries? Or finally realizing you were deserving of love in the first place? Share your perspective in the comments. Somebody reading your story might be trying to understand that very same lesson.